The Random Blogger

I felt suffocated. I tried crying but no tears came out.  I tried to understand my feelings but all I felt was numbness.  With so many years of compartmentalizing my feelings, I no longer know how to truly feel.  If I can't even be honest and open in what supposed to be my most comfortable sphere, how is it possible for me to open up to others without doubts?  It's definitely hard trying to express what I'm feeling when I'm so used to converting my feelings to thoughts.  Over the years, I always felt like I did nothing right in that sphere.  I was always wrong, the guilty one.  Even when I found out that guilt-tripping me was just a fear tactic, but it has been ingrained into me. Everything wrong that happened HAS to be my fault. Oh, how wrong it was.  I thank God that I've persevered for so many years...but...I'm really tired.  I'm tired of being misunderstood, I'm tired of being taken for granted, I'm tired of being expected to do many thin...

Wow, it feels awkward to come back to this blog after a year of hiatus. So many things have changed since my last post. From COVID-19 to my personal life, 2020 was chaotic with some fun, anxiety, and growth bundled into a package.  The Concert I started the year being very enthusiastic as I was looking forward to an Autism concert and fundraising that we have been working very hard towards since the end of 2019. It was quite stressful as we handled everything ourselves without any event company involved: from making multiple trips to various bodies and venue, I was at the brink of exhaustion on top of my regular job. It doesn't help that I was having lots of fights and disagreements with J. However, I managed to keep my morale and spirit high by reminding myself of the main purpose of the event: To increase Autism awareness and acceptance, showcase their talents to the public, and also fundraising for an Autism organization. Despite the rocky journey, we were excited for the event,...

Being quarantined at home for the past 3 days is quite an experience. It's been a LONG while since I'm able to catch up on my favorite Korean variety shows and documentaries. Suddenly, it has dawned upon me that I have not completed a single book this year. Yes, what a shame for a so-called "bookworm". LOL, at this point, I think I'm more like an "Online Articles" worm. Truthfully, this book has traveled with me to several countries but I never brought myself to complete the entire book. Hence, completing this book within one day felt amazing. I suddenly felt a renewed sense of joy in reading physical books after so long. Also, reading this book now falls at the perfect juncture in my life: Finding my OWN identity (apart from my family or work), Learning to obey God and know his will in my life, juggling with my unique responsibilities, and learning to give back to the society. Judging from the cover, I perceived that this is just another success sto...

Went back to work yesterday assuming that I've completely recovered. Man...how wrong was I. Despite being all covered up like a dumpling with a face mask on, the air cond in my office is really unbearable. I could feel within me that my body is trying its best to function and fight on. It sounds like an exaggeration, but when you are sick, everything you do takes extra effort. Also, I rarely fell ill, but when I do, I fall hard (lols...pun intended).  Had my dinner really late...like 9pm? and it took me 1 hour to finally reach home. I was doing my usual prayer in the car yesterday but I broke down so bad, just crying out to God. Perhaps, being ill and vulnerable allowed my negative thoughts to seep back in. I lamented that I'm really tired of being strong. Honestly, there is not one area in my life where I could seek refuge and rest BUT God calmly reminded he's watching out for me and I can seek rest within him.  Last night was terrible. My throat was hurting like CR...

Ended my October with a pounding headache, aching body, and fever. Man, I don't remember when was the last time I fell this ill. Well, at least I have a good opportunity to catch up on my reading and devotion. I detest being sick as I felt one day is wasted doing nothing. However, today serves as a reminder to pay more attention to my own health and body. Work is important, but without a healthy body and mind, your productivity will definitely be affected. Wishing myself a speedy recovery so that I can bounce back and do a better job at work and life.

During lunch today, I saw a family of 3 (Dad, mom, and their daughter) happily chatting, eating, and taking selfies. That scene warms my heart and the child is so adorable because she's super talkative (like yours truly when I was much younger). Suddenly, two thoughts crossed my mind. Am I reminiscing the carefree days I enjoyed with my family? Or should I be married and have a child by now?  However, before I arrived at an answer, my delicious plate of chicken rice came and I was instantly distracted by the aroma. Mmmm, let me finish this first okay?

I used to write poems so freely, I used to play music with so much enjoyment, I used to draw fearlessly, I used to dance like nobody's watching, I used to sing like the birds in the sky, not caring about anything in the world. But what happened? Honestly, it has been years since I struggled with 'artist block'. I'm still not sure how I'm going to overcome this. Creating used to be my life and soul. But I'm losing touch with this Artistic soul. I'm still finding the pieces. Perhaps life got the better of me. I'm busy helping others to achieve their dreams. I'm happy, I truly am. But internally, I do feel slightly empty. Deep down, I feel the artist in me is slowly disappearing. God, please teach me to overcome this. I want to be able to create all over again. Without reservations, fears, and judgments. Or perhaps, this is not my calling. Dear Lord, please guide me. Amen.

I was watching an episode of 'Master in the House' with French science fiction writer, Bernard Weber as a guest and I learned so much from it. One part, in particular, made me reflect: The society only teaches you how to judge. Even during first impressions, you are taught to judge if the person is decent or not. Even with simple two-way communication, many aren't interested to listen; they are just waiting to reply.  If we fail to listen and communicate at a fundamental level, how can we truly learn to take an interest in societal issues?

It's been 4 days since pageant week is over and I'm still having some withdrawal symptoms from missing the girls to the entire experience. However, I don't have time to reflect as I am still so busy with work, my concert project, and creative writing gigs. Now that my chapter on pageantry is closed (99% possibility I might not join another pageant anymore), it's time I focus on my career, some future planning, and yes....taking THAT piano diploma exam. Honestly, reflecting on my life, most of my past was just me merely existing rather than living the life that I've wanted. I was so afraid of people's opinions and failure that I just decided to push away many opportunities in life. I am feeling it now because joining 3 pageants in a year at 27 years old is not easy. Well, at least I'm living my dreams now, rather than regretting it later when I'm REALLY overaged. I'm planning to take LTCL next year which yes, I have been delaying since my univer...

23/9/2019: Monday 3:00pm Watching my advocacy video I did months ago and thinking about how I gathered all my thoughts and years of experience to come up with a decent speech that won me the  'Best in Advocacy' subsidiary title. 4:00pm I'm currently sitting in front of my laptop screen for the past hour; reflecting on my experience in charities and the Autism initiatives that I've started/helped. It's definitely a struggle to summarize my current project into 500 impactful words. Perhaps I'm overthinking and comparing it with myself. Le sigh... 10:00pm Managed to cut down to 4 pages worth of points and sectioned them into categories. Haha yeah, I'm OCD like that. Time to write a rough long essay. 24/9/2019: Tuesday 12:00am:  Although I'm half asleep, my brain seems to be sprouting with ideas. 12:50am:  I'm halfway through Part 2 but it's bedtime. Hopefully, I'll get some inspiration in my dreams. 25/9/2019: Wednesday 10:0...

Things have been crazy since I've been juggling with my full-time job, freelance writing job, Autism concert plans, and now on top of that, a beauty pageant. Honestly, I kinda moved on from pageantry after my national competition back in April because I want to dedicate more time for my career. However, an e-mail came last month and I just decided to attend the video audition last Saturday to try my luck. Lo and behold, I got it..this morning. I actually applied for this right after my national pageant haha. That time very eager la...that's why. Truthfully, I think my audition was average. I definitely did better for the last two auditions. Perhaps, that's because I just go with the flow this time rather than preparing a guideline. What a coincidence that all 3 of my auditions were 1-1 interview with the State/National Director. The only difference is that I actually sang for this audition and they didn't stop me! I was relieved and I found it funny after the call was...

The past 1.5 months is really a roller coaster ride after I choose to rededicate my life to God and follow him closely in prayer and devotion. Opportunities are coming towards me and I'm being challenged and pruned by God every day.  Truthfully, I have come to understand myself now more than ever and I'm just surprised by how God is working his transformation in me in such a short span of time. It's such a humbling experience to just realize that God's is revealing new things to me. He really showed me all my ugly sides and is literally cutting away these branches FOR GOOD. I'm really imperfect. I have too many flaws that need to be taken care of (i.e: Bad interpersonal skills that offended people). However, I take comfort in the Lord as he's by my side, guiding me as I learn to be the person God's molding me to be.  I'm not sure what the future has in store for me but why worry about the future when God's more interested in the NOW.  ...

                                                        A picture of the recording session Few weeks back, my friend introduced me to this song (Amour T'es La) and said *please listen with earphones on! :D. I was curious la..like okay...why need earphone? But I somehow I obeyed haha XD and no regrets!! Man!! this song is so awesome that the song is stuck in my head..the rhythms, her voice, the piano, the solos etc...that it was stuck at the wrong timing because the next day I have to sit for History quiz 2.. So, here is the song :) *The girl with the accordion is Banda Giannikou and the whole band behind is Snarky Puppy. Basically, both acts collaborated in this recording session. This song brings back some of the awesome memories I had during World Music class last year where we listen to foreign language songs and basically, WORLD MUSIC...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VzuX88Dc_g B.A.P is one of my favourite Kpop boy group so far because they are so hardworking and their singles are always immaculately done. I really salute that the members wrote most of the songs in their albums and actually contributed something creatively compared to most Kpop groups. One of my favourite singles is definitely 'Coffee Shop'                                                                (B.A.P having coffee together) When I first heard 'Coffee Shop' on Youtube, I was instantly sold! It was sad that most people commented that they haven't grow to like this song yet and some said that this song isn't addictive. However, they gave me a pleasant surprise because I didn't know such a badass Hip-hop/Rap group can pull off a Jazz/R&B/Lounge Jazz/Pop song!!! It's amazing!...

This semester has to be one of the most tedious semesters ever. Even though the subjects I took were lesser than my first semester, but now, being a Year 2 Sem 1 student, the subjects are getting harder than ever. 1. Aural Skills 2 Aural Skills 2 is way tough compared to Aural Skills 1!! Honestly, Aural 1 for me was easy and I usually lose marks when I was careless on certain things. However, Aural Skills 2 is mad! On a scale of 10 (easy to difficult), Aural 1 is 3 and Aural 2 is 7!! Such a big jump! The syllabus between both subjects has a very wide difficulty gap as well. What TZP told me last semester was true: Aural 2 is WAYYY harder! However, we are blessed to have Miss J to teach us Aural Skills 2 :) She is really good at teaching us this subject ( better than Miss L for Aural 1) but the downside is that she is VERY PARTICULAR, PERFECT PITCH, VERY STRICT IN MARKING and VERY PRECISE!!! If you are slightly slower/ faster...she'll notice it. Hence, we can't 'chea...

Hello blog, I'm back after so long. Have been really occupied with uni stuff that I don't even have time to blog even though I really want to!! Year 2 semester 1 have been a really great semester for me, I managed to accomplished 90% of my goals this semester which is crazy !! God gave so many opportunities to me when I least expected it to happen. I'm just so touched. So many things happened this semester which I don't think ONE blog post can fit!! it's a mixture of fun, happy, blessed, sad, angry, basically a mixture of everything.. I guess I'll blog one by one then :) I guess I'll called it the 'SEMESTER RANDOM RANTS' series :)

Wow !! It's been so long since I last blog.. I'm really THAT busy 0.0 It felt like I just took jury last week, and my next jury is coming soon in around...1 month 1 week? I'm so blessed that I achieved one of my goals this semester..and so fast lols !! Really Thank God :) Will blog more about those soon XD just finished recording for Aural..and now i'm chilling forawhile.. CME midterms tomorrow...gonna wear that same orange dress with my partner haha XD Have been performing that song for three weeks ady lols.. and we are only practising tomorrow... Hopefully we pull it through...coz we played that song too many times already haha XD On a random note, I really love After School's new song, the MV and the dance ! They don't look slutty doing pole dancing but those moves are more to acrobatic side ! Really love it whey ! :D LOVING NANA TOO :D She is my favourite After School member :D So pretty :D I love her confidence haha XD

See the video above!!!! Finally finished our Music Tech final project last Saturday... Omgosh...nobody will know how hectic we are unless you are a music student taking this subject with other research papers, history papers etc omgosh... Even though the sound effect turned out not to our expectation, but it was amazing to see them pull off amazingly.. I'm so proud of my stage crew, inventory crew and sound engineers T.T nobody knows how much effort and work we put into the stage layout, miking, controlling the consoles etc.. and yeah I'm da group leader so I have to know everything.. *WE DID ALL THESE WITHIN 5 DAYS!!* and of course, Sylvester, Aaron and Audrey who collaborated for the very first time only for our project :) and A actually made me fell in love with this song because of his voice... *was actually better during rehearsals ...maybe coz our the voice effect prob T.T Hope my lecturer will only deduct very little marks for it :( On a random note,...

I'm not good with creating blog titles, but if you are lazy to read the post, that sentence practically summarized what I'm going and going to go through for these 8 days.  I'm busy studying for exams, doing Chapter 2 of my group's research paper and on top it, Music Tech 1 journal, rehearsals and Final project for this Saturday.. I wonder why lecturers love to cramp all due dates in an EXAM week... =.=  1) Research paper due Friday. I really need to kick my members' butt to keep them moving ady.. 2) Music tech rehearsals on Friday. I have to know everything from wiring to mixer to stage, to communication with performers.. So much for being a group and team leader 0.0 Other than bossing around, I need to be Mr. and Miss-Know-It-All. 3) I need to edit my group's journal for Music tech, check their individual journals, plan each step for them..and set goals @.@ 4) After music tech rehearsals, it's Theory 2 exam..omgosh =.= I just hope I don...

AHHHHHH !!!!!!!!! This song is stuck in my head !!! Usually I just find 'misheard lyrics' videos funny and that's it. But this is stuck in my head !!! Probably because I was studying in the library about 20th century music and I saw this cantata in my textbook with the lyrics, analysis etc 0.0 XD The original lyrics is in Latin though...and the misheard lyrics actually have proper sentence etc lols XD I kept replaying it omgosh... I hope this won't affect my History listening test on Friday XD Later all I remember is only "OH PAPER CUT! SANDPAPER AH!" haha XD The original lyrics : O Fortuna velut luna statu variabilis, semper crescis aut decrescis; vita detestabilis nunc obdurat et tunc curat ludo mentis aciem, egestatem, potestatem dissolvit ut glaciem. Sors immanis et inanis, rota tu volubilis, status malus, vana salus semper dissolubilis, obumbrata et velata michi quoque niteris; nunc per ludum dorsum nudum fero tui...