I was just thinking......

Since i was young....till now....i think not much good thing has happened to me....

i'm realistic....yeah....i am....but not because i'm that type...

it's just that the reality shapes me into that way......

so that i will not feel so sad or whatsoever ......

Usually when i enter a class.....

it was like the class have been "cursed" by me

not good , etc....

then when i get out for the class...

it would be so much better.....

even for societies and clubs that i've joined....

i felt that i just don't know why whatever thing i join....in the end , the whole thing will be a disaster....

i felt that i can't obtain real and blissful happiness....

i felt that everything that could have / already mine will be taken by someone else one day...

it happened to me several times...

and i just think why in the world my life would be so .................

i just don't know what to say anymore.....

the guys i liked , i nearly get them...

then someone would just ...

i'm just afraid that now....

that would be the same thing happening again....

i might just be destined to lead a life to give someone else lessons and myself ...

live in solitary and just hope for what good things have been installed for me.....

everything fails when i'm in a " something "....

but when i'm not in the " something " ( groups , class ., etc )

it will have loads of success....

i wished that i'm prettier...

i wished that i have a better body...

i wished i have shaper facial features...

i wished that i'm smarter...

i wished that i'm more talented...

i wished that i'm more sporty....

i wished that i'm more girly.....

i wished that i can cook better....

i wished i have more confidence in myself.....

i wished i have a healthier mind....

i wished my chin would not be the way they are.....

i wished that i'm not so ugly.....

i wished that i'm cooler....

i wished that i'm cuter....

i wished that i'm more fun loving....

i wished i can be more spontaneous.....

i wished i won't be hurt again.......

i wished that people would just notice me.....

guess that i will always be the one behind the scene in whatever i do.......

guess that i will forever wishing to get something i want but will never have that chance....

why i always lose something when i'm THIS near getting something......

at least i will not tend to have jealousy.....

i just hated myself at times.....

i won't get anything i wish...

i will not...

i just don't knw what to say anymore.....

i'm just destined to see people living happily having to accomplished something....

and me....

crying and thinking why i always lose something when i'm so happy and blissful .....

i suck @ playing the piano

i suck @ being pretty

i suck @ being more loving

i suck @ showing my care towards people

i just plain suck @ everything i do...

i don't want to be the one at the side watching __ getting ___ by someone else...

this is a little selfish...

but i'm just a girl.....

God please help me......

forgive me of my jealousy.....

i'm no longer a positive thinker because when you think positively and something turns out negatively , you will be so heartbroken....

but at least when you think negatively when something turns out negative.....you won't feel so hurtful....

but when you think negatively when something turns out positive, the happiness will be so so much =D

just i just have to stick with that...