When psychological health is equally as important as physical health ...and God is the main psychologist to cure your mental health issues as well :)
At the beginning of the year , a ps. told me " You will go through darkness..but if you seek for the light ( God ) , everything will be ok "
now I understand...
I've been going through " Hell " since January itself...
Many thoughts that i've buried inside long ago mounted up and resulted in my psychological stress besides my studies stress and " aim to score straight A's " stress....
I think most of you know that my " xin li zhuo yong " is really strong...which means that i'm hypochondriac...I'm afraid of getting sick ( even flu or fever ) , constantly weigh myself to ensure that I don't lose weight...and in the past , I always google things like " nausea , loss of appetite..." and automatically I will " think " that i'm inflicted with really serious disease like I will die...and the doctor would say " it's all in your brain...it's all small matter "
I've not have a fever for two years already ( praise the Lord ) ...and despite of this , I'm still worried..
My mum told me..." when you get fever , you are afraid...and now , you two years didn't got any fever...and you are STILL afraid "
maybe it is because in my mind I was thinking , " it's normal to have fever coz your immune system is fighting "
but at the same time " It is dangerous to have fever coz fever is the initial symptoms of infection , cancer , etc "
so yeah.....chicken or the egg huh ?
Things got worst in 2009 where that is the SPM year...somehow , I didn't really study ...but I just don't now why I felt the stress...I mean...My stomach aches after meals ( not THAT painful ) but I check it out and it actually attributes to my " Not-on-time " eating habits and my stomach's nature of being very sensitive to many many food...
last year was a smooth year....perhaps there's not much stress such as this year?
But this year...it's AGONIZING !!! but somehow...perhaps GOD have his plans and I learn many things from this dark experience.....
My appetite comes and goes...and I'm worried...
there was one day that I feel fine but when I See food , I feel nauseatic ( but i didn't vomit ) ...that time I haven't told my mum yet....at night...it WAS REALLY HELL !!!! I woke up every hour , have light sleep , even feels like i'm dying or having serious disease...when I tried praying...it was hard because when I spoke every word , I feel like i'm gonna vomit !!!
The whole night was hell and I even dreamt about a funeral !!!!!
The next morning , when I was awoke on my bed, thinking about what happened....It was disturbing...and the thought of having breakfast later further increase the stress and anxiety...actually on the 12th January , I've begun to feel that way....as in..many previous and past thoughts just come and stay in my brain....opening their memory and reviving really dark things about What i've experienced before...
I look on the table...feeling so stressed to eat...my mum came down....and I just kept walking back and forth...In the end ...I cannot hold it any longer and I told her everything...anxiety , no appetite to eat...as in i'm hungry but i feel like my throat have something stuck in there...when I look at food ( when i'm gonna eat it ) , I will feel like vomiting....even When i'm gonna drink water , I am worried that I will vomit as well...thus , I developed a fear for food and even water as a matter of fact...
My mum told me...it's not about my physical health which is the problem , but it attributes to my mental health...She told me about her past that when she hear bad news about people passing away...she can't eat....and the anxiety occurs...happens during depression as well...
I insist on fetching my brother to school that day despite my mother's restriction because it is my responsibility...when I was driving , my mind was really disturbed...I actually skipped a day of class and went home...Mum made me ginger tea..that ease my nausea and anxiety....THank God for mums coz the whole day , she really act like my psychologist and actually made me better by 1/2 ....i get to eat better too !!( more a 1/2 bowl of pan mee ) which is a big accomplishment ...slowly , my appetite increased =D
lessons learnt : 1. Some people don't really depend on God , so he send parents to us so that they
can care for us.
2. Honestly , when college semester start , I rarely talk with my parents because
I was occupied..but because of my psychological problem , my mum and me
really bonded and have greater relationship.
3. DON'T Simple pray...haha...coz This year one of my prayer is that " God ,
please don't give me physical illness like cancer , etc...I rather experience
some kind of mental / psychological disorder...and IT happened
4. I have a feeling that God wants me to have a strong psychological mind so that
I will not be taken over by my mind...( if the mind is weak , perhaps it's easier
for the evil one to taunt you ? ) perhaps...
I went to college the next day...still looking a bit tired ( not that i'm tired..but i'm disturbed by the " trauma " and experience I had... ) I tried to explain to my friend over break when they asked me...but they just don't understand xD ..
Lesson learnt : Sometimes, friends can't help you in everything...because they don't
understand , so , we have to rely on our parents and most importantly , GOD !
I prayed to God that my psychological problem will be solved during the CNY week itself because CNY is about FOOD ! and honestly , that time , food is my FEAR coz for me , Food = vomiting...( i am not anorexic...i really wanna gain weight...but i just kinda feel stressed when i'm eating ) ...on the 1st day of CNY , lunch with only my family , I look at my plate and vomit ( but nothing came out...as in action of vomiting but nothing came out ) ...I was so worried , asking my mum am I experiencing some disease...then my mum said it's all in my mind...she said that when I saw food , it feels like a burden to me...flash back : she told me that it's been a very long time that she saw I love to take a big scoop of rice and forcefully finish everything...if i didn't finish all my food , I will think that i have some sickness...and I ALWAYS avoid porridge and mee hoon coz those for me is = Food for the sick ( like when you have fever , etc ) ...
when she cut down on the food on my plate, I actually ate the whole thing...so yeah...psychological setback indeed... At night , during reunion dinner , I kinda fear...I look at the food and felt nauseatic...my mum asked me to sit with my cousins...so that i will be happier..and in the end , I not only DID NOT FEEL NAUSEATIC , but I ate happily and a lot !!!!!
from that day...( the whole CNY ) appetite just went up and down depends on how my mind controls my thoughts...My mum told me " don't treat food as a burden..when you eat slow, nobody will care..if you eat little , it's ok coz your appetite is small...but make sure you eat "
which is true...
and later , when college reopens , my appetite also " reopen" haha xD ( perhaps familiar environment , so it feels more comfortable to eat xD ) Ate loads...like a pan mee and 2 bowls of ice kacang with my friend lols !~ ( craving for ice kacang now ! ) xD
I really experienced a lot during the period..and God was really testing me...but at the same time...allowing me to change and learn more too ...
now I understand...
I've been going through " Hell " since January itself...
Many thoughts that i've buried inside long ago mounted up and resulted in my psychological stress besides my studies stress and " aim to score straight A's " stress....
I think most of you know that my " xin li zhuo yong " is really strong...which means that i'm hypochondriac...I'm afraid of getting sick ( even flu or fever ) , constantly weigh myself to ensure that I don't lose weight...and in the past , I always google things like " nausea , loss of appetite..." and automatically I will " think " that i'm inflicted with really serious disease like I will die...and the doctor would say " it's all in your brain...it's all small matter "
I've not have a fever for two years already ( praise the Lord ) ...and despite of this , I'm still worried..
My mum told me..." when you get fever , you are afraid...and now , you two years didn't got any fever...and you are STILL afraid "
maybe it is because in my mind I was thinking , " it's normal to have fever coz your immune system is fighting "
but at the same time " It is dangerous to have fever coz fever is the initial symptoms of infection , cancer , etc "
so yeah.....chicken or the egg huh ?
Things got worst in 2009 where that is the SPM year...somehow , I didn't really study ...but I just don't now why I felt the stress...I mean...My stomach aches after meals ( not THAT painful ) but I check it out and it actually attributes to my " Not-on-time " eating habits and my stomach's nature of being very sensitive to many many food...
last year was a smooth year....perhaps there's not much stress such as this year?
But this year...it's AGONIZING !!! but somehow...perhaps GOD have his plans and I learn many things from this dark experience.....
My appetite comes and goes...and I'm worried...
there was one day that I feel fine but when I See food , I feel nauseatic ( but i didn't vomit ) ...that time I haven't told my mum yet....at night...it WAS REALLY HELL !!!! I woke up every hour , have light sleep , even feels like i'm dying or having serious disease...when I tried praying...it was hard because when I spoke every word , I feel like i'm gonna vomit !!!
The whole night was hell and I even dreamt about a funeral !!!!!
The next morning , when I was awoke on my bed, thinking about what happened....It was disturbing...and the thought of having breakfast later further increase the stress and anxiety...actually on the 12th January , I've begun to feel that way....as in..many previous and past thoughts just come and stay in my brain....opening their memory and reviving really dark things about What i've experienced before...
I look on the table...feeling so stressed to eat...my mum came down....and I just kept walking back and forth...In the end ...I cannot hold it any longer and I told her everything...anxiety , no appetite to eat...as in i'm hungry but i feel like my throat have something stuck in there...when I look at food ( when i'm gonna eat it ) , I will feel like vomiting....even When i'm gonna drink water , I am worried that I will vomit as well...thus , I developed a fear for food and even water as a matter of fact...
My mum told me...it's not about my physical health which is the problem , but it attributes to my mental health...She told me about her past that when she hear bad news about people passing away...she can't eat....and the anxiety occurs...happens during depression as well...
I insist on fetching my brother to school that day despite my mother's restriction because it is my responsibility...when I was driving , my mind was really disturbed...I actually skipped a day of class and went home...Mum made me ginger tea..that ease my nausea and anxiety....THank God for mums coz the whole day , she really act like my psychologist and actually made me better by 1/2 ....i get to eat better too !!( more a 1/2 bowl of pan mee ) which is a big accomplishment ...slowly , my appetite increased =D
lessons learnt : 1. Some people don't really depend on God , so he send parents to us so that they
can care for us.
2. Honestly , when college semester start , I rarely talk with my parents because
I was occupied..but because of my psychological problem , my mum and me
really bonded and have greater relationship.
3. DON'T Simple pray...haha...coz This year one of my prayer is that " God ,
please don't give me physical illness like cancer , etc...I rather experience
some kind of mental / psychological disorder...and IT happened
4. I have a feeling that God wants me to have a strong psychological mind so that
I will not be taken over by my mind...( if the mind is weak , perhaps it's easier
for the evil one to taunt you ? ) perhaps...
I went to college the next day...still looking a bit tired ( not that i'm tired..but i'm disturbed by the " trauma " and experience I had... ) I tried to explain to my friend over break when they asked me...but they just don't understand xD ..
Lesson learnt : Sometimes, friends can't help you in everything...because they don't
understand , so , we have to rely on our parents and most importantly , GOD !
I prayed to God that my psychological problem will be solved during the CNY week itself because CNY is about FOOD ! and honestly , that time , food is my FEAR coz for me , Food = vomiting...( i am not anorexic...i really wanna gain weight...but i just kinda feel stressed when i'm eating ) ...on the 1st day of CNY , lunch with only my family , I look at my plate and vomit ( but nothing came out...as in action of vomiting but nothing came out ) ...I was so worried , asking my mum am I experiencing some disease...then my mum said it's all in my mind...she said that when I saw food , it feels like a burden to me...flash back : she told me that it's been a very long time that she saw I love to take a big scoop of rice and forcefully finish everything...if i didn't finish all my food , I will think that i have some sickness...and I ALWAYS avoid porridge and mee hoon coz those for me is = Food for the sick ( like when you have fever , etc ) ...
when she cut down on the food on my plate, I actually ate the whole thing...so yeah...psychological setback indeed... At night , during reunion dinner , I kinda fear...I look at the food and felt nauseatic...my mum asked me to sit with my cousins...so that i will be happier..and in the end , I not only DID NOT FEEL NAUSEATIC , but I ate happily and a lot !!!!!
from that day...( the whole CNY ) appetite just went up and down depends on how my mind controls my thoughts...My mum told me " don't treat food as a burden..when you eat slow, nobody will care..if you eat little , it's ok coz your appetite is small...but make sure you eat "
which is true...
and later , when college reopens , my appetite also " reopen" haha xD ( perhaps familiar environment , so it feels more comfortable to eat xD ) Ate loads...like a pan mee and 2 bowls of ice kacang with my friend lols !~ ( craving for ice kacang now ! ) xD
I really experienced a lot during the period..and God was really testing me...but at the same time...allowing me to change and learn more too ...
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