Suppressed issue

After years of repression...
The secret is out...
But somehow...
I actually hid 1/2 of the facts from the doctor....

I know that psychologically i'm unwell...
But physically ,
I've been feeling i have a HUGE lump on the right side of my abdomen since really long time ago...

This was actually my biggest and longest secret ever...

I woke up this morning...
And I kept touching it...
It freaks me out ....

My parents touched it and said maybe it's a muscle or so...
BUT They said I should go for a full body checkup for assurance...

They suppose to bring me today..
But i'm worried....
I have business studies and economics tomorrow and the day after ...
and in my brain there's only 50% of knowledge...
I can't even concentrate....

I'm really worried...
What if it is a cancerous lump ?
My mum told me it's highly impossible because it happened really long ago...

This secret was nearly out last time when I was 11..
I asked my maid to touch...
and she kinda freaked out...
She said that I should go to the hospital to check...

But I told her to keep this a secret from my parents...
And from that onwards...
I thinking...
when will this " illness " explode ?

It goes on for years and I really thank God i'm alive...

Most of the people know that yeah I repressed my mental OCD , anxiety and fearing that i have some illness of so for many years...
I suck in acting...
But i'm good in acting i'm all fine and well in real live....
Maybe because I just cannot stand to see me being to weak and a crybaby and all...

That's problem no.1...
But I don't fear without grounds...
I fear with grounds..

Might go for a check up this thursday after economics...
My parents actually told me that I don't have to go for test tomorrow and the day after...and just quit A levels...
Honestly ,
part of me wants now...
With all these disturbance...


Coz i'm exploding...
With depression issues ( I don't even know why i'm depressed ) , the psychology fear that caused repression for SO MANY years and the lump....

I'm DAMN worried...

Honestly I think really far...
I was thinking
" what if it is cancerous and the doctor told me I will not live long "

I don't want to die.,..
But I don't want to see people worried about me and all
It's harder to die when so many people cared about you..
and when you are really in love with someone... ( I know that I really shouldn't :( ...but i can't control myself...and I'm bringing you into deeper waters )

I know I haven't even go for any checkups yet..
But I really think that far..
I always think that I might not even live that long

In 2007 , I thought that i might not live pass PMR
iN 2009 , I thought that God would really take my life

another part i'm worried is that
in 2009 I prayed to God before
" Please God heal me , if I don't change , you can take my life back in another two years time "

and now it's already two years...
that's why i'm worried....

that's why I get worried when I have fever or don't have fever or feel nausea and feel sick...
and pastor actually told me this
" you will go through darkness this year...but if you seek God , you will find the light "

my interpretation of that it's like " you gonna die soon "
or " you are gonna have certain serious illness like terminal cancer but God might heal you / your death will bring saviour to people ( my dad and his family i think ) "

but i'm really selfish
I'm not ready to die...
I don't want people to cry for me

I haven't experienced many things in life...
I know i'm selfish for saying this...
Some people don't mind dying now...
but I don't want to...

Honestly , the word " death " in my head is something i thought of a lot of times...

When my parents said that " I can't wait to see you in a wedding dress " ...
and I would feel damn sad coz my head would be thinking
" I might not even live to that long "
I might not even life to have my own kids or to pursue my dream career or so....

I'm that negative...

I know the result is not out yet..
and I'm thinking damn much already..

I actually told them " what if I really have Cancer ? "
what if i ONLY have few months left...

I can't stand to see myself botak in front of the mirror...
it's damn unbearable
I don't want to die in midst of chemo..
I don't want to go through emergency stomach operation without anaesthetic ( read it from somewhere..)

I don't want to leave my family , friends and.. You....

Part of me is relieved that the secret is out..
but i'm worried about the body checkup...

If it turns out to be fine...
then Praise the Lord that I have assurance...
But if it turns out to be NOT FINE..
Praise the Lord that at least i've achieved somethings and experienced many memories before he wants be back...

But I don't want to die..
I don't even want to have cancer...
I don't even want to feel weak and fragile...

It's so not like me...

and part of the reason I believe that God told me not to be in a relationship is that maybe i might not be the one because i'm " dying " ..

or maybe i'm just too sick....

these are just my morbid thoughts...

but thank God i'm not in a relationship now...
I don't want to drag you down...
and God lagi don't want to drag you down...

Maybe you are frightened because you might not know that the Chermaine you know actually have such dark thoughts and past....

at least now you know and you have 2nd thoughts to consider...

but for now I thank God ...
it's really not the time...
If we would have commit in the past...
we might even break under the pressure i'm facing now...

If i'm fine...
my interpretation is that maybe God wants me to face my this problem which i've been running away for years....
before i'm free from past bondages and move on to a new phase of life...

I also thought of if next time I didn't check and got pregnant...
maybe the " lump " might suffocate my baby and die or I myself die from childbirth and cause the whole family much trouble...
No family wants a sick girl as their daughter-in-law...

I know that i'm not sick for now...
But I hope that going for the test will assure me many things...

I pray to God that i'll be fine...
I don't want stomach cancer , liver cancer , lymphoma cancer or " you have... cancer and it has spread to...and we can't do anything so please rest at home or go to somewhere before you rot and die "

I'm that morbid and negative...
But i'm not a negative person....
I'm also very positive...
but i just don't know how to explain....
and the worst thing that this happens in midst of exams....
i REALLY don't want my friends to ask me " what happened to you ? '
it frightens me..
I need a hug from you:(
I can't believe i just said that...
I might wet your t-shirt like crazy...

I HONESTLY kinda want to quit A levels now ...
I don't mind if now only I go for foundation in Music...
what i need now is few months of rest ,
Before I practise for audition ...
but if I quit...
i'm wasting my parent's money

I should've quit in January if I know that something like that would happen
( mum told me to quit and enroll a degree in music )
but i pressed on because I want to save one year...

part of me wants to stay because of pride...
I don't want to flunk my AS and quit..
people would think it's odd...

it's not that I cannot do A levels
coz honestly ,
A levels is much more enjoyable compared to SPM...

and i'm not that stupid that i study like crazy only get A ..
maybe i'm just over obsessive and i care too much about what people thinks...

at least for now...
i feel better...