Finally....i'm relieved
Yesterday was really an eventful day which end my " more than 6 years " of me living in fear.I've never been so scared like a scaredy cat ever before in my life.Since young , I was practically really afraid of sickness and diseases , articularly cancer since both of my grandparents died from that disease.
When I was 6 , I touched my stomach and felt something like a growth.From that onwards ,
I kinda fear that it's something serious and started to count when i'm going to die.Adding on to that , i'm really skinny and my stomach is really sensitive , I thought that i have some sort of cancer because Of me being underweight and people say that i'm underweight xD
Honestly ,I don't care people saying that i'm thin , it's just that I perceived myself having some sort of illness that's why...
Things got worst in 2007 after a bad sickness...I thought that i'm really gonna die.In 2009 it got worst , because i was sick for more than two weeks. and the doctor nearly ask me to go for a blood check if it got worst.I thought that my immune system is failing because of the " perceived cancer "Actually , i'm afraid of doctors...because of that...I'm just really afraid of diagnosis !
I thought that keeping this " prob " of mine a secret will be better.I don't want that if I really have that " disease " , my parents to finance my medical fees...rather die... even though i'm really afraid of dying...
In 2009 , I have constant bouts of stomach discomfort after the two weeks of sickness...I have appetite to eat , but after eating My stomach felt painful.I thought that my so-called " stomach cancer " have advanced to a stage 3 or so. Adding to that , i'm really obsessed with medical articles and symptoms. In 2009 , I weigh myself many times a day to make sure that my weight do not fall... and I test myself a lot to make sure that I have no fever... I can tell you what symptoms leads to what , and all...like a mini diagnosis doctor haha !!!!
Last year it was fine and everything was in control.Well. , until Youth Camp..
on the second day , I ate and I suddenly felt nausea....from that onwards...the nausea comes on and off.... until yesterday...
On 15th January midnight , I woke up feeling really nauseatic.. tried praying but the feeling of wanting to vomit is really strong that I freaked out.. From that onwards , the feeling of nausea when I smell food caused me to fear food.The worst thing is that I want to gain weight...so I have to face food everyday.It's torturing...
I can't hold it any longer.So I confided it to my mum about me feeling nausea and all.she said that it's normal because i'm having stress and all.But I didn't told her about the " lump " I felt in the stomach.. ( I actually didn't tell her that i felt lump at many places...i thought " cancer spread d " )
Last Wednesday , the feeling of nausea and all is really intense...that I nearly told my parents about my secret.A friend of mine called me to comfort me about everything.Turns out that my mother sms-ed her because my parents were really worried...
I told her everything except the lump...
Sunday was the most depressing day ever...I felt so weak , cried like crazy...I never felt so fragile in my life before !! I skipped church because of anxiety...I'm actually shutting myself away from the public for no reason...I felt uncomfortable and nauseatic just thinking about going out...it's that bad...Mum managed to coax me to see the doctor lols...( normal doc )...i kept crying in the room..but he told me that i'm fine..and i must believe in god...and revamp my lifestyle...he also ask me to read matthew ( same like what my another friend ask me to start on...i think God's telling me something ) I felt so much better ...but I didn't told him about the perceived lump..
Day before yesterday , I just cannot take it anymore...
When I look at breakfast ,
I can cry ....it's like someone pushing me to hell ....eating is something really difficult for me...
I actually asked my mum to touch the right side of the abdomen...
she said maybe it's just muscle...
but after that , she and my dad said that I should go for a body checkup...
I was really scared...I cried and kinda shivered...the bread in my mouth..I really felt like I wanna spit it out again....
I tried praying...and many people emphasize on " faith " ...i think that's what God's trying to tell me...
It's hard for me to have faith because of me not having enough faith in God...
I prayed till I cried...
In the late afternoon , i was really depressed...
I sms-ed with my friend for hours...
and i was talking about if I die and all....
i cried each time i read every sms..
but some words assured me...
I know I must be happy...
because I don't want his mood to be affected..
and to have faith in God..
In the evening , my family literally dragged me out to cycle and exercise...
I was really hesitant at first...because when I go out , I felt anxiety and
stuck feeling in my throat ....
That night I only slept for 3 hours...because I need to study for Business...
I think I was more calm during business than the real " health test "
In the car on the way to the hospital , I was literally shivering...and kept thinking about negative stuff...I prayed...but it's still very hard to believe that i'm fine...from all the things that i've went through...
Went to see Dr. Jason Chin , a gastroentomelogist ( wrong spelling i think ) to see whether my abdomen have any growth or not...
The nurse look incredibly familiar..but I still can't figure out who is she... or where I met her..
When I fill in my particulars , she told me that it's impossible to get Dr. JASON because his appointment is really full !!
I'LL HAVE to wait...
When I told her about what happened to me , she said most probably i'm fine..
because if it's really cancer , i should be dead by now XD
Waited for two hours before it's my turn ( thank God she put me in no.2 ) not last person...
I was literally shivering and the nausea feeling was really strong ..
My parents was shocked because it's the first time they saw me so scared and shivering and all !!
The nurse said that since i've been waiting for " more than 6 years " , she will give me the assurance I need..XD
The doctor was quite scary at first ( maybe because i'm scared ) ....so he asked me.." what brings you here " in a very light manner..
I told him that i've been feeling nauseatic since december , low appetite , smell food feeling like vomitting and thinking that i have cancer..
He said I look fine , but proceeded to check me...
He touched me..
and he said that I was fine...the thing on the right was actually my muscle XD
he asked me where i'm studying and all..
and he knew that I got exam 0.0 shocked...
he said that he will give me a peace mind by having me to go through multiple check ups and all...
so he took my blood....
when i heard that i was literally scared XD
however , it wasn't painful.But my blood was literally dripping drop by drop !!..it takes like forever , so he poke again on my left arm....still not enough...and he poke again...Wah !! the 2nd and 3rd was was quite painful !!!! ( NOW I have a sexy bruise there XD )..my vein was really tiny.....like a thicker thread..He told me I need to exercise if I want to make it bigger..XD
After that , we went to the ultrasound area...I need to drink one big bottle of water ( and i don't drink that much..so it's torture.. ) ...the bladder must be full so that they can see what is inside clearly...
the feeling...seriously...argh...you are scared , and you wanna pee like really badly...and the doctor kept using a gel to wipe on your abdomen and kept quiet most of the time...i think i was talking a lot because i'm nervous..and my parents face look scary..I saw those bits and all...i was scared...i thought it's the lump and all..
HOwever , later , she finally broke her silence XD she said that " so far so good " but i still need to see my blood test result for confirmation...
God was really comforting me...and half of my pressure is gone...Ate while waiting for the result...
I was afraid of the blood test , but not as much as ultrasound anymore...The main thing i'm hoping is that my helibactor pylori bacteria ( tumour markers / cancer markers ) are not high so that I don't get cancer that easily...and hope that other parts of my body is healthy...
The doctor looked serious at first , staring at his monitor and typing...I thought that it's my result ...
but he looked at me and said " girl , now you tell me what are you worrying about : ...
your blood test is out....
and your report is " beautiful " ....
just that i need a hepatitis A vac.
It was a HUGE relieve for me and my parents...
and I learnt about having faith in God..
Actually , all the while , God has been assuring me that i'm fine and my time is not up yet through my friends...and I kept denying it ...
I was stunned until now that i'm still not used to the fact that i'm perfectly healthy...
well..except that they label my weight as ANOREXIC !! argh !!! but the doc said..ignore that XD
my dad kept asking how am I to gain weight...
he said " get married and have some babies...and you'll have a hot body " =.=
and he saw my plaster on my hand and told the nurse " change plaster for her la..i don't want my patient to go out from my room like that "
LOL ! docs do have pride too XD haha !! he said that i'm the 1st one that he failed to take in one go XD
but this experience really bring me back to Jesus...and signalling that my life have to be revamped and changed...
this experienced also changed my perception on doctors !!
The doctors I met are really funny and cute lols ! I find the nurse cute too
the doctor said " it's nothing wrong being skinny since this is always your normal weight " ..
and added " I have one nurse skinner than you...that girl wind blow she fly first "
and to someone...
:) thanks for being there for me :)
but i'm wondering...
why doctors always laugh at me lols !
the funniest joke is that " I CAN'T BELIEVE THT I MISTOOK THE MUSCLES I HAD AS TUMORS FOR MORE THAN 6 YEARS.. "
Before the ultrasound...im afraid that my oviaries all got prob coz I felt painful every first day of the month...if got cancerous cyst...must remove...and nobody will want me and i will not have my own kids...thought about that damn depressing..
but now...it's really odd..i'm really not used to this happy and carefree feeling knowing that im fine and It's fine that i get married and have kids in the future and enjoy my life...
and Believe in God and never nearly backslide again...
With health ,
it's easier now to believe in God because you do not have more doubts ..
but through this experience , I learnt about why people become afraid of some things you find funny , why people shut away from the society , cry like crazy ( easily triggered ) , keeping secrets and lots more...
I thank God for this experience..
and I truly believe that " God will always give you challenges that you can cope and NOT cannot cope "
We must trust him and his plans...
and I really want to know his plans for me..
still working on my prayers since i'm still not that good..
but in all things , thank God :)
When I was 6 , I touched my stomach and felt something like a growth.From that onwards ,
I kinda fear that it's something serious and started to count when i'm going to die.Adding on to that , i'm really skinny and my stomach is really sensitive , I thought that i have some sort of cancer because Of me being underweight and people say that i'm underweight xD
Honestly ,I don't care people saying that i'm thin , it's just that I perceived myself having some sort of illness that's why...
Things got worst in 2007 after a bad sickness...I thought that i'm really gonna die.In 2009 it got worst , because i was sick for more than two weeks. and the doctor nearly ask me to go for a blood check if it got worst.I thought that my immune system is failing because of the " perceived cancer "Actually , i'm afraid of doctors...because of that...I'm just really afraid of diagnosis !
I thought that keeping this " prob " of mine a secret will be better.I don't want that if I really have that " disease " , my parents to finance my medical fees...rather die... even though i'm really afraid of dying...
In 2009 , I have constant bouts of stomach discomfort after the two weeks of sickness...I have appetite to eat , but after eating My stomach felt painful.I thought that my so-called " stomach cancer " have advanced to a stage 3 or so. Adding to that , i'm really obsessed with medical articles and symptoms. In 2009 , I weigh myself many times a day to make sure that my weight do not fall... and I test myself a lot to make sure that I have no fever... I can tell you what symptoms leads to what , and all...like a mini diagnosis doctor haha !!!!
Last year it was fine and everything was in control.Well. , until Youth Camp..
on the second day , I ate and I suddenly felt nausea....from that onwards...the nausea comes on and off.... until yesterday...
On 15th January midnight , I woke up feeling really nauseatic.. tried praying but the feeling of wanting to vomit is really strong that I freaked out.. From that onwards , the feeling of nausea when I smell food caused me to fear food.The worst thing is that I want to gain weight...so I have to face food everyday.It's torturing...
I can't hold it any longer.So I confided it to my mum about me feeling nausea and all.she said that it's normal because i'm having stress and all.But I didn't told her about the " lump " I felt in the stomach.. ( I actually didn't tell her that i felt lump at many places...i thought " cancer spread d " )
Last Wednesday , the feeling of nausea and all is really intense...that I nearly told my parents about my secret.A friend of mine called me to comfort me about everything.Turns out that my mother sms-ed her because my parents were really worried...
I told her everything except the lump...
Sunday was the most depressing day ever...I felt so weak , cried like crazy...I never felt so fragile in my life before !! I skipped church because of anxiety...I'm actually shutting myself away from the public for no reason...I felt uncomfortable and nauseatic just thinking about going out...it's that bad...Mum managed to coax me to see the doctor lols...( normal doc )...i kept crying in the room..but he told me that i'm fine..and i must believe in god...and revamp my lifestyle...he also ask me to read matthew ( same like what my another friend ask me to start on...i think God's telling me something ) I felt so much better ...but I didn't told him about the perceived lump..
Day before yesterday , I just cannot take it anymore...
When I look at breakfast ,
I can cry ....it's like someone pushing me to hell ....eating is something really difficult for me...
I actually asked my mum to touch the right side of the abdomen...
she said maybe it's just muscle...
but after that , she and my dad said that I should go for a body checkup...
I was really scared...I cried and kinda shivered...the bread in my mouth..I really felt like I wanna spit it out again....
I tried praying...and many people emphasize on " faith " ...i think that's what God's trying to tell me...
It's hard for me to have faith because of me not having enough faith in God...
I prayed till I cried...
In the late afternoon , i was really depressed...
I sms-ed with my friend for hours...
and i was talking about if I die and all....
i cried each time i read every sms..
but some words assured me...
I know I must be happy...
because I don't want his mood to be affected..
and to have faith in God..
In the evening , my family literally dragged me out to cycle and exercise...
I was really hesitant at first...because when I go out , I felt anxiety and
stuck feeling in my throat ....
That night I only slept for 3 hours...because I need to study for Business...
I think I was more calm during business than the real " health test "
In the car on the way to the hospital , I was literally shivering...and kept thinking about negative stuff...I prayed...but it's still very hard to believe that i'm fine...from all the things that i've went through...
Went to see Dr. Jason Chin , a gastroentomelogist ( wrong spelling i think ) to see whether my abdomen have any growth or not...
The nurse look incredibly familiar..but I still can't figure out who is she... or where I met her..
When I fill in my particulars , she told me that it's impossible to get Dr. JASON because his appointment is really full !!
I'LL HAVE to wait...
When I told her about what happened to me , she said most probably i'm fine..
because if it's really cancer , i should be dead by now XD
Waited for two hours before it's my turn ( thank God she put me in no.2 ) not last person...
I was literally shivering and the nausea feeling was really strong ..
My parents was shocked because it's the first time they saw me so scared and shivering and all !!
The nurse said that since i've been waiting for " more than 6 years " , she will give me the assurance I need..XD
The doctor was quite scary at first ( maybe because i'm scared ) ....so he asked me.." what brings you here " in a very light manner..
I told him that i've been feeling nauseatic since december , low appetite , smell food feeling like vomitting and thinking that i have cancer..
He said I look fine , but proceeded to check me...
He touched me..
and he said that I was fine...the thing on the right was actually my muscle XD
he asked me where i'm studying and all..
and he knew that I got exam 0.0 shocked...
he said that he will give me a peace mind by having me to go through multiple check ups and all...
so he took my blood....
when i heard that i was literally scared XD
however , it wasn't painful.But my blood was literally dripping drop by drop !!..it takes like forever , so he poke again on my left arm....still not enough...and he poke again...Wah !! the 2nd and 3rd was was quite painful !!!! ( NOW I have a sexy bruise there XD )..my vein was really tiny.....like a thicker thread..He told me I need to exercise if I want to make it bigger..XD
After that , we went to the ultrasound area...I need to drink one big bottle of water ( and i don't drink that much..so it's torture.. ) ...the bladder must be full so that they can see what is inside clearly...
the feeling...seriously...argh...you are scared , and you wanna pee like really badly...and the doctor kept using a gel to wipe on your abdomen and kept quiet most of the time...i think i was talking a lot because i'm nervous..and my parents face look scary..I saw those bits and all...i was scared...i thought it's the lump and all..
HOwever , later , she finally broke her silence XD she said that " so far so good " but i still need to see my blood test result for confirmation...
God was really comforting me...and half of my pressure is gone...Ate while waiting for the result...
I was afraid of the blood test , but not as much as ultrasound anymore...The main thing i'm hoping is that my helibactor pylori bacteria ( tumour markers / cancer markers ) are not high so that I don't get cancer that easily...and hope that other parts of my body is healthy...
The doctor looked serious at first , staring at his monitor and typing...I thought that it's my result ...
but he looked at me and said " girl , now you tell me what are you worrying about : ...
your blood test is out....
and your report is " beautiful " ....
just that i need a hepatitis A vac.
It was a HUGE relieve for me and my parents...
and I learnt about having faith in God..
Actually , all the while , God has been assuring me that i'm fine and my time is not up yet through my friends...and I kept denying it ...
I was stunned until now that i'm still not used to the fact that i'm perfectly healthy...
well..except that they label my weight as ANOREXIC !! argh !!! but the doc said..ignore that XD
my dad kept asking how am I to gain weight...
he said " get married and have some babies...and you'll have a hot body " =.=
and he saw my plaster on my hand and told the nurse " change plaster for her la..i don't want my patient to go out from my room like that "
LOL ! docs do have pride too XD haha !! he said that i'm the 1st one that he failed to take in one go XD
but this experience really bring me back to Jesus...and signalling that my life have to be revamped and changed...
this experienced also changed my perception on doctors !!
The doctors I met are really funny and cute lols ! I find the nurse cute too
the doctor said " it's nothing wrong being skinny since this is always your normal weight " ..
and added " I have one nurse skinner than you...that girl wind blow she fly first "
and to someone...
:) thanks for being there for me :)
but i'm wondering...
why doctors always laugh at me lols !
the funniest joke is that " I CAN'T BELIEVE THT I MISTOOK THE MUSCLES I HAD AS TUMORS FOR MORE THAN 6 YEARS.. "
Before the ultrasound...im afraid that my oviaries all got prob coz I felt painful every first day of the month...if got cancerous cyst...must remove...and nobody will want me and i will not have my own kids...thought about that damn depressing..
but now...it's really odd..i'm really not used to this happy and carefree feeling knowing that im fine and It's fine that i get married and have kids in the future and enjoy my life...
and Believe in God and never nearly backslide again...
With health ,
it's easier now to believe in God because you do not have more doubts ..
but through this experience , I learnt about why people become afraid of some things you find funny , why people shut away from the society , cry like crazy ( easily triggered ) , keeping secrets and lots more...
I thank God for this experience..
and I truly believe that " God will always give you challenges that you can cope and NOT cannot cope "
We must trust him and his plans...
and I really want to know his plans for me..
still working on my prayers since i'm still not that good..
but in all things , thank God :)
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