2020

Wow, it feels awkward to come back to this blog after a year of hiatus. So many things have changed since my last post. From COVID-19 to my personal life, 2020 was chaotic with some fun, anxiety, and growth bundled into a package. 

The Concert

I started the year being very enthusiastic as I was looking forward to an Autism concert and fundraising that we have been working very hard towards since the end of 2019. It was quite stressful as we handled everything ourselves without any event company involved: from making multiple trips to various bodies and venue, I was at the brink of exhaustion on top of my regular job. It doesn't help that I was having lots of fights and disagreements with J. However, I managed to keep my morale and spirit high by reminding myself of the main purpose of the event: To increase Autism awareness and acceptance, showcase their talents to the public, and also fundraising for an Autism organization. Despite the rocky journey, we were excited for the event, until MCO was announced and we have to postpone the event indefinitely. Honestly, we're not even sure if we can hold the physical concert this year as it involves international artists. Till today, I do feel restless that we haven't held the concert yet. However, the pageant that I was involved in last year has donated to the said organization (after I won a project) so I was half relieved. 

The Pageant

I managed to finish up my reign for a local pageant. It probably would be the last time anybody would see me wearing a crown in a long time. It was fun seeing the juniors improve and reuniting with my pageant sisters. Also, it was fun being able to dress like Cinderella on the coronation day. On a random note, I don't think I'll wear a ballgown again if I do get married someday. Little did I know, this would be the last public event that I would attend for 2020. 

The Lockdown

I was in lockdown for 2 months with some rare trips to my workplace to retrieve some documents. Man, going out during lockdown was weird. I remembered wearing gloves out on top of masks, covered shoes, etc. Such a weird time to live in. Being at home for 2 months also allowed me to do things that I did not have time to do previously such as: filming a makeup tutorial video, staging a random self photoshoot, making a duet cover with my brother, interviewing some persons with Autism during Autism Awareness Month, having my first live interview on Instagram with an Autism organization, attended an online art class, etc. 

The Online Stores

On top of this, I finally started selling items on L and S platform on top of C. I think it was God's timing because it happened randomly. I accidentally clicked on my work e-mail and suddenly saw an order on platform L. Literally had to figure all the basics within that day from printing to shipping the order and well, the rest is history. I still manage all the platforms alone and I cannot deny that I'm really tired and occasionally stressed. However, I felt a sense of achievement that I didn't feel for a long time. It was a period of growth for me in my job. 

The Companionships

Truthfully, I don't really have many close friends, but I'm thankful for the ones that have stuck with me over the years after all the ups and downs. I'm also blessed that we have become closer. Truly blessed to have you all in my life. 

The Family

Honestly, my relationship with my family hasn't been the greatest this year (not like it has been great), especially me and J. We just don't seem to agree on many things and whatever I did was never right in their eyes. I guess since I have no escape from work and family (as both are combined in my case), it was quite suffocating. However, I've learned to understand people more from this experience and learned to navigate social hows from my experience at home lol. 

The Anxiety

It's been years since I last had a full-blown major anxiety attack, but 2020 has given me a few episodes of it. I guess it was pent up emotions and feelings that I had over the years. Truthfully, I was quite depressed and highly anxious during the final week of December. Not sure why but many thoughts just flowed in and my mind was reacting some way. However, I'm better now and I finally mustered up the courage to seek therapy. Looking forward to it in the next few weeks! 

The Wisdom

Growing up as a Christian, I do felt envious when my friends are aware of their "Gifts" from God. Some can pick up subtle cues, some can foresee things, but I just never feel anything from God. However, throughout this year, I have started to realize that perhaps God's gift for me is wisdom. That doesn't mean that I'm the wisest person around, but I am able to see things comprehensively and point out lessons that need to learn after experiencing several events. I do not have a mentor, but I learned so much about myself this year. I realized that I have become a better version of myself subconsciously and have better self-appreciation. However, I also recognize that I have lots more to learn in the years to come. 

2021...

I'm not sure what 2021 holds for me, but I want to grow deeper internally to have better self-awareness. I realized I have MAJOR problems with expressing emotions and truly 'feel' feelings. Doesn't help that I'm also quite numb to emotions. I hope by studying more on psychology and attending therapy, I'll be able to open up more and learn to be empathetic towards people around me as well.