Hmm...

I felt suffocated.

I tried crying but no tears came out. 

I tried to understand my feelings but all I felt was numbness. 

With so many years of compartmentalizing my feelings, I no longer know how to truly feel. 

If I can't even be honest and open in what supposed to be my most comfortable sphere, how is it possible for me to open up to others without doubts? 

It's definitely hard trying to express what I'm feeling when I'm so used to converting my feelings to thoughts. 

Over the years, I always felt like I did nothing right in that sphere. 

I was always wrong, the guilty one. 

Even when I found out that guilt-tripping me was just a fear tactic, but it has been ingrained into me. Everything wrong that happened HAS to be my fault. Oh, how wrong it was. 

I thank God that I've persevered for so many years...but...I'm really tired. 

I'm tired of being misunderstood, I'm tired of being taken for granted, I'm tired of being expected to do many things and not complain. I'm tired of being threatened (big and small). I'm tired of feeling guilty when sometimes it's not even my fault. 

Sometimes I envy others where they can feel love so freely when the love I feel at my sphere seemed conditional. I used to think that it's normal but after much reading, I realized it's not. 

Doesn't help that my cat has been missing for 6 days. I don't even know how to handle the feeling if he's not going to come back at all. Even when I'm feeling down over this, J also used my cat against me, saying that " you are (inaudible because can't hear what she said properly), that's why your cat doesn't even want to come back to you". I mean, I know it's silly...but that just proves that all the threats I experienced over the years are just for me to feel fear, feeling fear so that I will do whatever they ask me to do. 

Even when I'm happily enjoying my current single life, they would take a jab at me, dragging my past relationships, saying that I wasted too many years with the wrong people. Or when they saw another person who has a special sibling getting married, they would tell me that me being single now is my fault, not my sphere. 

Although I'm aware of the threats and guilt-tripping, deep down I questioned myself a lot. Am I really that bad? Am I really that useless? Am I REALLY not good enough? 

Also, what is my purpose in life? Like, what is my REAL purpose/ DREAM? Truthfully, I don't know. I don't even know is it legit for me to even have a dream when everything I do now is for my sphere and I'm not even appreciated. In fact, I was expected to feel thankful and all. Sigh...

But on the flip side, I hope that moments like this will allow me to understand myself better and my reaction towards these. Hopefully, after attending therapy, I'll be able to manage these emotions and thoughts better.